say whatcha want

i think my b/w crit went pretty well today. one down. one to go.
ill post my bra photos when i have time (ie thursday)
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pet peeve: when i try talking to a friend about being sad and they brush it off. so then i just end up crying. being tired doesnt help.

my mom's family is over and no one will talk to me. the last time i saw them was when we told them i was sick and i cried because the news was so fresh. so now im getting awkward sidewards glances and zero conversation.
support would have been nice. i need to seriously stop saying "wanna come? if not its ok" honestly its not ok. but it IS my own fault.
im stupid.
and sitting here in my basement while the party is going on upstairs.
bah humbug

went to see Walk the Line last night. very good! and today Brokeback Mountain came out. yes, thats the gay cowboy movie. heath and jake. one word: HOT

my exam is in just over 12 hours and i managed to get a little studying in. jen came over to bake cookies for sunday and i managed to eat a few of them hahah

i was sooooooooooo glad to see that rafe wasnt voted out on survivor last night. i love the guy. who doesnt love a super gay mormon hahah. he never lied, was always sooooooo nice. and he looks like chucky from rugrats

rafe usually has glasses and crazy hair
god love him
ok fine, perhaps he said things to stir everything up but for some reason i do believe that he would have given the others a car. idk. regardless..its time to have a non evil homosexual win the game

p.s. im trying to convince jason to enter for the next one seeing that by that time, canadians may be able to apply. he could totally win. (and here i lay down the guilt) its been my dream to be on surivor and i cant anymore for health reasons. id be living vicariously though him. living my dream through him. *sob*
did that work?

i have a bio test in 22 hrs and i do not feel like studying. oi.

im so happy. although i work RIGHT after my exam tomorrow, i have sunday off!! my mom is having a cookie party. everyone brings as many dozen cookies as the number of people there ( 9 people attending means everyone brings 9 doz cookies and therefore everyone goes home with 9 different cookies)
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
plus i get to see my extended family. but im embarassed because the last time i saw them was when we told them i had ms and i cried like a loser

k, so my last journal was overly stupid. my apologies.
im just bummed out. i make really bad decisions.

i need to reconnect with eleni. that always makes me feel better. empowered. strong. beautiful. good.

ive been thinking about john lennon a lot today. what would the world be like if he was still alive. its hard to explain. but it really makes me wonder how things would be different

my fingers are chapped and bleeding. they sting from the dark rook chemistry. i went in today on my first day off in ages to print, and the prints i printed are worse than the ones i had printed yesterday.
all of this and i cant help but think about shitty things.
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im a little sad today. i want to cry. but i cant. because then my eyes will swell up and ill look like a frog tomorrow when i go to see the prof i have a crush on. the crush is ridiculous but it keeps me from remembering that new years eve is in three and a half weeks and ill have NO ONE to kiss at midnight.
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i talk way too much. i say the stupidest shit when people are trying to watch tv. really really stupid shit. beth..PEOPLE DONT CARE ABOUT A STUPID COMMERCIAL YOU FIND FUNNY!!! its like im desperately trying to get peoples attention. i need to learn to shut the fuck up. this journal entry is a prime example of that.
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ok so now im being ridiculous. but i just feel sad. i feel like people who were SO close to me are miles and miles away. i feel like le petit prince.
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this is all because i didnt sleep last night, forgive me. yesterday was needle day and i TOTALLY got flu symptoms despite taking meds before hand. you know when you sleep on your arm and it fuckin hurts, and you want to move to free your arm but it just hurts too much to move? that was me last night.
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enough whining. i was encouraged by SATC to get back to my SSB (secret single behavior). i did my brows, i creamed up my hands and wore gloves to bed, and i layed in bed with a HUGE cup of tea, under my quilt to watch completely shallow television...the finale of americas next top model.
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on a more important note (but then everything is more important than my crying)
tomorrow, December 8th is the 25th anniversary of John Lennon's death

still makes me very sad.

im feeling less sad and less crazy today
but just as uncertain
i suppose uncertainty is a good thing in the long run
but the shits for now
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i only have 2 xmas presents to buy/get ready
plus the things im making for my sisters, but thats it
today, im hating xmas a little less...but we will give it a few days lol
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looking forward to the holiday jam on wed dec 14th at the phoenix
if anyone else wants to go, i believe tickets are still available

FINALLY! jayla got kicked off of ANTM. ive been waiting for weeks for this to happen. she should have gone home weeks ago...pre-lisa for sure!

she of course doesnt really even look like this. the week she was tricked into thinking she was going to be kicked off but they were all really going to London, she looked like really gross
reasons why she is horrible:
same pose/face every week
she stole Nik's secret and then called Nik a bitch because of it
she spoke badly about most of the girls
she does this weird lip thing when she thinks she is being watched
she is a home schooled jehovahs witness (scary in itself)
she looked like a blow-up doll a few weeks ago

she just isnt nice, isnt professional and i have just spent a whole LJ talking about the most irrelevant show ever hahahha

im worried. i feel empty inside. i feel that another big attack is coming on.
im not going to class today. who wants to spend the money to get all the way down there for one class thats going to get me home after 11pm? not i.
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my paper on portraiture and how it has led to the cult of celebrity is done. thank god. i feel like its a wee bit short but i cannot explain the points i made any further.
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tomorrow, all of my samples are due in experimental photography and i couldnt be happier. i cant wait until that class is over with.
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im almost finished my christmas shopping. the only people left are megan, eleni and jason. all the kids are done, my parents are done. i still have to work on the calendars for my older sisters but ill have time for that when school is done.

things i love about toronto at christmas time:
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the Bay's window displays
the Bay's toy department and santa showing me where the Barbies are hidden
nathan philips square and ice skating
buying a hotdog and walking along queen street, trying to balance it with the hot chocolate you just bought
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there is something so romantic about toronto at night, in the winter
not romantic in a literal way
romantic in a beautiful and ideal way, like in an old movie
so fear not, if im walking down queen st with you with a hotdog and hot chocolate, im not falling in love with you hahah
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one of my fondest christmas memories:
three years ago, i went to the bay at the eaton center with jason. he knew i loved the store and he took me there, we shopped and ended up on the floor with all the toys. of course, i went looking for all the barbies but couldnt find them until santa took me over to where they were hidden by a curtain. that was the first christmas i knew jason. i still remember it fondly and get a tear in my eye when i think about it. things were good that day.

this weekend was alright. home alone all day yesterday. its been months since ive had a quiet house. i worked on my history paper and now i have half of it done. i went to bed early, before my parents got home. i know, im cool.
im nursing a migraine right now, and i feel like complete shit. BUT on the bright side megan helped me solve my experimental photo problem. AND ken liked the work i showed him. ken and i have a strange relationship. it consists of him telling me i smell and me making fun of him with megan. this said, it was really nice when he told me he liked my work.

ive been over eating to compensate the lack of, stuff in my life. i cant stop eating. or drinking coffee. yes, ive started that too. i blame it all on my experimental teacher ive been bitching about lately. im so sick of that stupid project.
usually at this time of year i procrastinate by cleaning my room. this year i cant, ive been working on my experimental project in there and just being in there causes me to feel sick. i cant even sleep in there anymore. ive laid awake until the wee hours of the morning, biting my nails, feeling anxious. (i was feeling this way before the coffee, so its not that..its the damn project)
i need a hug. i need to do something that has nothing to do with school.

BRILLIANT!!!



these are by Peter McClennan
a series called "Bums"
love it!

to whom it may concern,
you told me that i was causing a problem wanting to work with glass after you convinced me i should. fuck you. guess what? i ironed on an image, ha! you said it couldnt be done.
sincerely,
the girl who thinks you have a stick up your ass

I'm getting this weird faint vibrating sensation in my right breast. I know its odd, but has anyone else ever gotten this? Its freaking me out. With a bra, without a bra, laying down, sitting up.
This is very weird.
p.s. I'm pissed at one of my profs. I met with her the other week to discuss my final project. She told me about this artist that does his work on glass, and suggested a way I could tackle it. I went to class today with specific questions and concerns and she starts freaking out, " EVERY year I have a student that wants to work on class and EVERY year its a hassle". First of all, its my project. If I want a hassle, let me have one. Second of all, YOU SUGGESTED I DO IT!!! What the fuck man!
She told me to come back by the end of class to show her what Ive done. Fuck you. I left and went to take pics of megan at work.

today was a shitty, shitty day. i know im one to cry often, but its worrying me that now a days im just too bummed to even cry. zombie like. the good news is that every time things totally fuck up, a new start seems to emerge.
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ive been working on art all day, and that felt good even though i should be working on my history paper. im very excited about my new black and white basic assignment, although i havent come up with all 36 ideas yet. i think i have 15 so far (15 in one day is pretty good i think. thanks to tammy and len)
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i yelled at my mom today. sure she bugs me at times, but im so sick of her being down on herself. she is a great woman, phenomenal woman actually. and she doesnt see it. most of us dont see it in ourselves i suppose but she thinks she is a bag of shit. i know yelling at her wasnt the best approach to pump up her self esteem but god woman, i wish you could see what we see!
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my dad did my shot today, so my stomach was going crazy all day. dont get me wrong, he does an awesome job, but i always get nervous. we hit a nerve in the first leg we tried and i cried. its really painful and a big hit of reality. BAM! YOU MUST GET A SHOT EVERY WEEK FOREVER! BAM! YOU CANT AFFORD IT! BAM THIS FUCKIN SUCKS! i feel bad when i cry but its like i cant help it, like my body just does it, its really strange. we tried the second leg and it went swimmingly.

i think its been awhile since ive updated, but to be honest im too lazy to click the link to see when the last date was.

the last week or so:
wednesday: D wasnt in bio, which made for a quiet class *phew*. i got my test back, expecting MAYBE an 80%....but....93% bitches!
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thursday: developed my negs, including the beginnings of my nude portrait series. i printed one but im not that thrilled about it. i went to history and swooned over my prof for 3 hrs. i printed some more, went to megans for the night. watched the ben stiller show, im still not sure if it was brilliant or stupid. caught up with carmella and ian, discussed selling medicinal marijuana...right... tried to sleep but only caught about 2 hrs all night
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friday: woke up to rush to the neurologists office. i finally saw a decent looking man in the waiting room, alas he was no zach braff. and he had a gf. but we are getting closer to my garden state goal...hahha
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the dr was pretty happy with how im doing. she was chatty and talked about the high tech camera her hubby bought her and the lame-o class she took to learn it.
my sister sue and her boys stayed all weekend, and despite my attack on saturday, it was so much fun. they are such polite boys! megan also came home and we had a mini party for patrick's bday, and decorated for xmas before we headed out to the santa claus parade.

t'was a good weekend

oh yes... today in b/w, iza mentioned how she was disappointed in our paper assigment and changed our last assignment because of it. i figured i was going to get a C since my last work was decent and only got a B . after she told us how disappointed she was, i figured that lowered me to a C- or possibly a D. i knew i didnt do my best on the assignment and didnt love what i handed in. i was going to skip out of class without finding out my mark since hearing you got a D isnt all that uplifting. i decided that it would be character building to hear it, and since i knew it was coming, it wouldnt be that bad.
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so i went up to iza to get my mark, sorta mad because i met with her to ask her if she thought i should re-shoot, and she said no. i over heard some of the other marks were in the 60's so i was becomming ok with the idea of a C... this time. so my mark was even more fucked than i thought. I GOT A 87!!!! holy fuckin shit. she said my work was strong, i just had to watch out with my focus (which i totally knew). fuck man! if i didnt see it on the paper, i would have sworn she couldnt tell me to my face and lied hahah
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this couldnt have come at a better time. i was thinking i shouldnt be in art school and was thinking about leaving since i really cant afford it anyhow. fuck that shit! im staying! i looked like one of those insane people who cant stop laughing when they are alone, the whole way home.

i had a short visit with my sister today sans fighting or wanting to kill her. this is a good thing. i also managed to take a few pics of her kids to sneak into the christmas surprise im working on.
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my sister took my dad to see jann arden last night. i havent seen him that excited in awhile, or that chatty when he came home. i really havent had the time or the funds for a dad and daughter date. i must work that in to my schedule. maybe mini golf...or a movie.
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i have a black and white crit tomorrow, and instead of being nervous, i really just want to get it over with. my shoot didnt go all that well, and i was just disappointed in the work. i was elated over the last assignment and i only got a B+..maybe if i hate this one enough ill get an A..lol..who am i kidding. ill try to chat it up with the prof about her fave show in hopes of it breaking the ice.
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my advice...when in doubt, try ANYTHING. it cant hurt.
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this pic makes me laugh. patrick has been very careful to not be caught biting his nails because i told him he had to clean the toilet next. will this scar him?
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p.s. nickelback's song Photograph literally makes me feel embarassed for them

floria at the museum of contemporary canadian artists (this is not a reading series)


in a really abstract way, this inspired my HUGE and FAB idea for my project


sushi with megan. food always tastes better when its free. haha
sorry kiddies, no time to crop.